New Year's Resolution 3 = Go to Meetings

Getting Started in a Twelve-Step Program Introduction For most people struggling to achieve sobriety, addiction has occupied a large part of their lives. Finding the resources to obtain drugs or alcohol, finding the substance, using it with friends or relatives, coping with the consequences of intoxication and withdrawal, and starting over. If they stop using drugs or alcohol, they face a huge hole in their life, and if they are not careful, the wrong things will come in to fill that hole. AA and NA are annoying. Cultish. Cliquish. Full of people who are eager to control or criticize newcomers. Telling drunk or drug stories likely to trigger someone white-knuckling their sobriety. Looking to sell drugs. Looking for a hook-up (sometimes referred to as 13th-stepping). Intolerant of medication-assisted treatment (sometimes abbreviated MAT) like Suboxone or Methadone. But AA has been in existence since 1935 and is still going strong.

As I see it, while medical treatment is helpful, it is certainly not 100% effective. And many people do not need to be in medical treatment for life, and so establishing strong social support for recovery is essential both in early sobriety and established recovery. Twelve-step programs are places to establish relationships with sober people who support sobriety in themselves and others. I like to say of the 12-step programs that they offer good advice for free. I think of medication as helping someone with addiction the way a cast helps someone with a broken bone. It supports you until you heal enough to bear weight on your own. Twelve-step programs help you heal. AA or NA? Once the substance is no longer filling a large hole in your life, it makes little difference which substance it was, and so either AA or NA can work. As a rule, AA has older members with more clean time. Sometimes people addicted to opiates prefer AA because there are fewer stories about drug use which might be triggering. On the other hand, AA members are thought to be less accepting of MAT. NA is more frequented by drug dealers than AA and is thought to have more 13th-stepping.

Sponsors

I have noticed that three features of 12-step programs are particularly helpful: having a sponsor, going through the 12 steps, and being a sponsor.

Notice I did not mention meetings. Meetings are helpful for people with well-established recovery, for whom they are a useful reminder of where the person with addiction came from and where they might return to if they drop their guard. Meetings are less helpful for people who are newly sober. But meetings are where to find a sponsor.

Because they can be so valuable, 12-step programs have become gigantic. Hundreds of kinds of meetings. Thousands of people. Very confusing. Finding a meeting that works for a newcomer is difficult. And to make matters worse, people with substance abuse must contend with their illness whispering lies into their minds. A sponsor can help you navigate these difficult issues.

A sponsor has been through it all and can help someone with a substance use disorder avoid the pitfalls their disease and their environment present. A sponsor will typically be available for a late-night phone call when the addiction demon invades you. A sponsor might drive you to a meeting and might sit with you there so that you are less alone in an unfamiliar place. A sponsor might invite you to a sober holiday party or go with you to a holiday AA or NA Marathon meeting. A sponsor might introduce you to a group of sober people. A sponsor might take you to a commitment at a hospital or prison. A sponsor might help you work your way through the twelve steps. A sponsor might teach you the skills you need to become a sponsor yourself someday.

Choosing a Sponsor

I have noticed that the single best step a person can take for their own recovery is to become a sponsor. As sponsors teach someone else how to get into or stay in recovery, they are teaching themselves even more and integrating recovery into their thinking and lives. So asking someone to sponsor you is in no way an imposition. It is a tremendous gift.

When you ask someone to sponsor you, you are allowing them to push you. Both of you rely on the fact that if your sponsor pushes you too hard, you will fire them. As a result, your sponsor cannot be a friend or a relative or even a friend of a friend or a relative of a relative. You don’t want to fire a friend or a relative.

In general, if you are a woman, you should choose a woman for a sponsor, and if you’re a man, you should choose a man. These days, sex roles are still distinct and someone of a matching gender might understand your issues best.

If you are gay, things may be less clear. Another gay man might understand your issues well, but the sponsor/sponsee relationship is often intense and could drift into sexual longing or into a sexual relationship, and then you have no sponsor. And so it can make sense for a gay man to have a female sponsor or a lesbian woman to have a male sponsor.

AA or NA members sometimes say that you must have 90 days of sobriety to speak in a meeting and 90 days of sobriety to ask for a sponsor. I am not a member of a 12-step fellowship and have not read widely, but I have treated a lot of people struggling with addiction and believe these rules are mistaken. No one needs support and guidance more than someone who has not yet achieved sobriety. And if you are not currently intoxicated, your observations and contributions can be valuable in a meeting.

Temporary Sponsors

Busy AA or NA members who do not have the time to add another sponsee will sometimes offer to serve as a “temporary sponsor” until you can find someone else. A nice idea but not something that makes sense to me. It’s like offering to do a bad job. Also, “temporary sponsor” is a bad term. All sponsors are temporary. Relapse is a normal part of recovery, even for sponsors. And people move, have families, have illness, and may no longer be able to serve as a sponsor.

“I’m looking”

for a sponsor is a flawed plan. Judging how someone might be as a sponsor based on how they behave in a meeting makes about as much sense to me as judging how someone might be as a date based on their Facebook posting. It’s not irrelevant, but it doesn’t get to the heart of the issue. If you want to find out what someone is like as a date, you have to date them. If you want to find out what someone is like as a sponsor, you have to let them sponsor you. If they turn out to be a bad date, you never have to have a second date with them. If they turn out to be a bad sponsor, you fire them.

How do I ask?

You can raise your hand in a meeting and say something that would take about 5 seconds, such as “My name is ------- and I’m struggling with drinking (or drug addiction) and my doctor tells me I need to find a sponsor.”

What if They Say No?

Well, then you’re no worse off than you were before you asked.

But I don’t trust people

Then start off your discussion with that and see how they respond.

How do I get the discussion going?

Ask them to sit down for a cup of coffee with you, explain your situation briefly, and ask for their advice. Then follow it exactly even if it sounds crazy. In fact, especially if it sounds crazy to you. They are good at achieving recovery and you are not.

What if someone says I’m not sober because I’m taking medication?

Being defensive and arguing is unlikely to be productive. I would recommend that you ask them to say more about their thinking, and you might tell them that your doctor thinks there is a lot to be said for their point of view but that after discussing the issue, you concluded with your doctor that medication was the right road for you for now.

What about the 12 steps?

The first three (1. Admitting to being powerless over alcohol or drugs; 2. Believing in a higher power; 3. Deciding to turn one’s life over to one’s higher power) are helpful for anyone. Step 4 (Making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself) is known to be challenging enough to require careful thought. It should not be attempted without the OK of your sponsor, usually after 6 months of recovery. No one finds it easy.

What happens after Step 12?

You go back to Step 1. The steps are useful enough to keep going through again and again.

How much sobriety do I have?

This is a trickier question than it might seem. The 12-step programs rightly want to recognize people who work their program diligently and offer key chains, parties, and such to celebrate success. On the other hand, one of the oldest and wisest pieces of advice the program offers is “just for today”. I do not believe that recovery can be accumulated. Nor can it be destroyed. Relapse is painful and humiliating, but it is a normal part of recovery and, like any other difficult human experience, presents an opportunity for personal and spiritual growth.